Disclaimer: Ole Coach Ferguson is in no way associated with Rhadi Ferguson (who happens to be another Coach Ferguson). I’ve heard of this Rhadi Ferguson dude and I think he’s an alright guy, as a matter of fact I even like some of his products, but to be honest, he’s a phukin’ Chump too and if he doesn’t think so tell him to call me at 1-800-UMA-CHUMP give me a time where we can square off. And I’ll put my foot so far up his butt that I’ll have to reach up to his nose just to tie my shoes.
Ole Coach, will beat him like he stole som’n. So, I just had to get that str8, because Rhadi has been emailing me and complaining because we have the same last name. SO WHAT! He outta be happy about it. But thank God we’re not related. I don’t want that bytch in my blood that brings out Chump Moments!
Listen up idiots! If you don’t do this then I’m not talking to you so don’t get offended or start whining, Chump >:-|
Look here….. and read this very carefully, because you may have to tell this to one of your friends.
Okay, here we go….
Gym Mistake #1
Stop phuking watching me in the gym! I’m not your personal trainer, your exercise buddy or your teacher. Stop watching me and then doing every exercise that you see me do. GET your own program you copy-cat motherchumper! And NO!! You can’t work in for a set, just so you can create small talk in order for you to ask me the constant most irritating gym question, “So, what does that work?” I’m working out you slob, and apparently you are here to annoy me, bug me and impede my progress. Stop it. And go hop on the motherchumping treadmill and walk yourself to the land of slim. Beat it! >:-|
Gym Mistake #2
Listen lady, I know you have great self-esteem and you’re very secure with you body and you don’t mind showing it off, but please…… If you have more rolls than Dunkin Donuts, then by all means wear something that is comfortable but not revealing. Now I know your dumb @ss is saying, “Well, if you don’t like it, don’t look.” Well, that’s fine, but your blubber is like not trying to see an elephant in an elevator, its just not possible. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being FEXY (that’s a contraction for fat-n-sexy). I mean really. Ole Coach has had some pleasantly plump ones in his day, but they knew how to operate within their fexiness. Baby gurl…………. to be very blunt, a halter top and skimpy shorts (or spandex) just aint for you. Get you some nice Dri-fit, a sweet pair of sneakers, and some jogging pants and go to work.
You’ll still be doin’ it. And heck, you may even get what you came to the gym for – a man.
Using the recumbent bike. ALL RECUMBENT BIKE USERS ARE PUSSIES!. There, I said it. Now I feel a whole lot better.
Please use a towel when you are in the gym. When you’re sweating out last weekend’s liquor fest and chicken grease out of your skin, the last thing that I want to do is bathe in it. Wipe it up and keep it moving.
Ole Coach is about to get raw and over the top in the next couple of weeks. If you can’t take it, then G.D.F. and that means git da ______.
Until next time Chumps,
P.S. Maybe if you all did some pushups and situps you’d be better off. If I would have never lost my job with the school district as a phys. ed teacher a lot of you would be in better shape. Just imagine if I would have had Brintney Spears in my class. I would have whipped her into shape and her kitty kat would not have been so wrinkled. Climbing up and down the rope in gym class has a way of keeping ones body tight.
ONE MORE THING………… If you think for one moment that I don’t love you, think again. I do, I’m just trying to help you. Obviously the massage and caress type of teaching hasn’t helped you. It’s turned you into one soft Chump. You whine, cry, use the word “can’t”, complain, don’t push, and think that life is supposed to whip out a huge tittie and let you drink milk. NO!! It doesn’t work like that and Ole Coach is here to not only help you, but save your life. So take my advice, as over the top as it may seem, as pain medicine. Take it now to reduce your pain later.
Just think of it as the Preemptive Pill (thanx Bush).